


His Fault

by Aka_Chibi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, It's more like MADstuck, Sadstuck, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-26
Updated: 2012-07-26
Packaged: 2017-11-10 19:32:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/469866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aka_Chibi/pseuds/Aka_Chibi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s his fault that she still has red feelings for him, and it’s his fault that he’s practically killing her with it. </p><p>She’s bitterly convinced that it’s his fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	His Fault

She hated him. Platonically. 

She hated how short he was in comparison of all of the other trolls. In fact, he was the second shortest troll in their group of friends; she being the shortest.

She hated how small and nubby his horns were. They were like sweet candy and they made her want to chew them off eagerly.

She hated how messy and unusual his hair was, as if he had brushed and cut his own hair rather than his own lusus.

She hated how his face was shaped and molded. His still had his pretty round cheeks and boyish looks, but he was starting to bloom wondrously and handsomely.

She hated how he yells so much; that you could never be lost and alone because once you heard his voice you can find your way back to him and into his arms.

She hated how despite the fact that he was very bossy and mean, he could be gentle and caring to those who needed him, even if he delivered them rudely.

What she hated most of all was how helpless in love she was for him.

All of his features, all of his perfections and flaws, they attracted her to him and made her love every little inch of his whole being.

It all had to start when she was a young troll; about 3 sweeps at the time. She was best friends with a boy, who was surprising tall for his age. He had lovely long raven black hair, with shades upon his face and horns shaped like arrows sprouting out of his head. 

They were just minding their own business, playing around in the sandbox in a playground. Well, it was mostly her playing around. The other troll was a very neat and proud troll, and he found sand to be a very dirty thing that a person of his blood ranking should be rolling around in. She didn’t quite understand the Hemospectrum as much as he did, but she knew well enough that he was talking about a loud of nonsense and often tease him about it.

Like how right at that moment, that innocent moment, she was intentionally trying to kick some dirt on him. 

Then he came along. That boy with the small horns - but of course, at the age of 3 sweeps his horns were barely peeking out of his messy hair.

This boy was just walking along, when he saw the other two trolls in the sandbox. He walked straight up them and demanded that they should “make like a tree and leave”. The two male trolls went off fighting with each other -The long haired one was doing it much more maturely, though- until she suggested that they should all get along and play together.

Since that day, when she sometimes took curious glances at the new boy, she knew that he’ll be special… somehow. As much she loved spending time with the long haired boy, she enjoyed some time with the small horned one too.

But for different reasons, as she later discovered.

She often went to the small horned troll’s house. It was surprisingly nearby her cave. She usually did some surprise visits - often visiting without announcement - and at first he would be pissed off as hell. Then, he just got used to it.

They played with each other so many times. Practically more than once a week. He always seem to yell and complain about whatever he had set his mind onto, but she was never tired of it while he was never tired of her. Each visit seemed to make her like him even more and more, and he seemed to liked hanging out with her. They became close little buddies, but he was nothing like how the long haired troll was to her.

Eventually, around the age of 4 sweeps, she learned about Troll Romance. She became deeply fascinated with the whole thing, even studying it a bit and practicing “shipping” all of her friends.

From what she understood, she and the long haired troll were super pale for each other. They both agreed that they belonged in Moirailegiance and has been ever since.

From what she also understood, was that she has red feelings for the small horned troll. 

And she was terrified of that.

Although Matespritship was one of her favorite type of Troll Romance, she was so afraid of being in one. 

She had seen enough romance movies and read enough romance books to know that having red feelings for someone can lead to dramatic heart breaks. She was young, and although this was her first time feeling red feelings, she was afraid of a broken heart. She loved the feelings her heart gave her, such as happiness and joy.

She also loved getting that feeling, where it seemed like happiness is mixed with joy whenever she was around her red interest. It started with a nervous feeling in her stomach - as if she had eaten something bad - and quickly became a jolt that sends warm, pleasant shivers all the way to her wiggling toes. Where she had a feeling like this, it was quickly followed by another feeling: hope.

Maybe she could achieve the ultimate goal of having her feelings requited. Sure, she may have to face a few drama and a little bit of pain, but it will be all worthwhile in the end, right? She’ll have to be careful and just slip a hint little by little, maybe devise a perfect little plan to make him so impressed by her that he‘ll have to be red back, because she wanted to have a perfect ending instead of a rushed one.

Soon, her fears became replaced with hope, even if it was temporarily.

Although, she had taken too long with the hints.

Eventually, around the age of 5.5 sweeps, her red interest began to spend less and less time with her, and more time with that other girl. That other girl, who just met them, who grinned way too much. That other girl wore a red glasses on her face, and she was blind with deep red eyes.

At first, she wasn’t worried. She couldn’t expect him to only be friends with her, could she? Of course not! She knew her red interest was a very likable troll, and he could easily make friends even if he yelled and shouted at them.

He just had that caring side of his that trolls were attracted. If you were in trouble, maybe a little down, he’ll gather you in his arms (not literally, though) and listen to your troubles.

At least, that’s what he does to most trolls. He never done it to her, even if she made it painfully obvious that she wanted a talk, and she wanted a talk with him. But he always told her to go talk with her moirail.

That drove her crazy with jealousy; that all of the other trolls get to see her red interest’s caring side except for her.

Actually, more and more things about him drove her crazy these days. 

At the age of 6 sweeps, she found herself not only found herself having red feelings for him, but she found herself having black feelings too. Hell, she’s not even sure if they’re black feelings or just I-want-to-beat-the-fuck-out-of-you feelings. She knew what Kismessitude was, and yet she can’t see herself in that kind of quadrants with her red interest. If anything, she wanted to do more of the beating up than the violent kissing.

He just pissed her off so much, and she was even more mad that she was still red for him. She took way too long to try and make a perfect ending with him, and now she feared that he was falling for the blind one.

He stopped paying attention to her overall and instead gave it to the blind one. Even though she dreamed of him one day holding her, pulling her close and kissing her softly, that dream slowly broke piece by piece whenever she saw him with that blind one.

A cold steel knife plunged itself deeper into her heart when she saw the blind one get super close to him - a distance she herself could never have - and licking or smelling him. 

Then that knife would make a sharp, painful twist when she saw him not yelling at the blind one to stop. He’ll push her away, but he wouldn’t demand her to stop. He’ll hold the blind one at arm’s length, but compared to how far away he kept everybody else, she was the closest into his arms. 

And that hurt, and she always fantasized about how she could make him feel that way. To show what a monster he is, to show him how much he’s hurting her. When she’s around others she pranced around like a lively kitten, but when she’s alone she felt so fucking tired as if she had suddenly became 100 sweeps old.

Her eyes were so dry from crying so much, and all she ever wanted to do was take a nap and never wake up. Ever. Let her dreams sweep her away and leave all of this pain behind.

But things doesn’t work that way, and she always woke up with disappointed. 

She always wake up to a day where the blind one was hanging out with her red interest.

Fuck what she had believed earlier; she should have been worried when her red interest stopped spending time with her. She should had looked at the warning signs and try to stop him and the blind one from getting closer.

Fuck what that hope she had felt whenever she felt such red feelings for him; she should had been terrified and stay the hell away from him to avoid this whole thing overall.

But oh well, it was way too late to do that now. She was too late to stop those two from getting closer. She was too late to telling him how she felt. She was too late to impress him to make him red for her back. She was too late to tell him and hopefully get a perfect ending.

All she could do was hate him. After all, it’s all his fault in the first place.

It’s his fault that he impressed her, but he didn’t wait enough for her to do the same to him.

It’s his fault that he’s so fucking adorable and attractive instead of a raging, creepy douche bag so she could be so disgusted by him that all red feelings suddenly vanish.

It’s his fault for attracting others, and it’s his fault for attracting the blind one.

Really, she should be mad at the blind one, but she can’t because everything is his fault. She’s bitterly convinced that it’s his fault.

It’s his fault that she still has red feelings for him, and it’s his fault that he’s practically killing her with it. He’s holding her heart captive, and he won’t let go until she’s dead, and he’s doing all of this without even realizing. 

It’s his fault for being stupidly cute.

**Author's Note:**

> this is pretty much reflecting on my own feelings im having atm


End file.
